Grumpy Old Woman

You might know that there’s been a bit of a fracas, yes, furor, even kerfuffle down here lately as the powers that be have run the idea of a citizenship test up the proverbial flagpole to see who salutes.

Of course the pro-immigration people have got their undies in a knot and the anti-immigration people are cheering, but I have thought to give you guys a break. I’ve listed below some things you ought to know about Australia and being Australian that will help you get through.

As an Australian, you hate New Zealanders when playing against them in any sport. This rule, however, is null and void if the New Zealanders are playing England in any sport, at which time you invoke the ANZAC spirit and cheer for New Zealand. This rule also is null and void if England are playing any other country, at which time you would follow England, as we’re all a Commonwealth. Except for when England is playing any other Commonwealth country, at which time you follow the other Commonwealth team, because we all hate the English.

Budgie Smugglers (or Speedos) are unacceptable beach wear for men, unless you’re a bronzed surf lifesaver, with gleaming six pack and tight arse.

A barbecue is acceptable dinner party fare, lunch fare and even breakfast fare. In fact, a barbecue is acceptable at any time. An important note however, is that grilling hamburgers and hot-dogs on the barbecue is unacceptable at any time. Proper barbecue food consists of steaks, sausages and any form of seafood (although seafood barbecuing may tip you towards the unmanly “tosser” end of the spectrum).

You must eat and LIKE Vegemite. There are no variations on this requirement.

You must like the game of cricket. It also helps to know that Boonie (former Australian batsman and legend fielder) consumed 52 cans of beer on a flight from Sydney to London for the Ashes Test series in the 1980’s.

Beer is the national beverage. You can drink other forms of alcohol, but you should never admit to doing so.

You must love every form of sport, especially when an Australian team is playing it, even the obscure. It is a requirement to stay up until 2 in the morning to watch an Australian team play anything world-cup or Olympic-related overseas. The exception to this rule is cricket. When Australia play England in the Ashes series in England, you must stay up all night for days on end cheering on the Aussies. This directly relates to the “we hate the English” rule above.

You must be completely familiar with Australian Slang and Colloquialisms. If not, you might be in trouble at the beach if someone yells out that there are some Noahs in the water and you don’t know what they’re talking about.

There, you should be right for the test now mate, no worries

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