Grumpy Old Woman

Well, dear readers, the Commonwealth Games kicked off last night in that OTHER city, Melbourne.

Look, there’s no doubt that there’s some good stuff about Melbourne, like the shopping and the food, but to tell you the truth, that’s about it.

Melbourne is the city that WANTS to be Sydney, really BADLY, but really, you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, no matter how hard you try, or how often you say how much better it is.

Let’s take the opening ceremony. A flying tram is the best they could come up with to symbolise their city. Well, there was a kid with a duck, lots of cables, a flying thong (no, not the underwear type, the shoe type) and people half-dressed as koalas in y-fronts

They had Australian Football League (AFL) players passing the Queen’s baton (oh, and I’ll be bashing THAT stupid concept in a minute…) across pontoons on their Yarra River. The Yarra River is a murky, brown, slow-moving river that runs through Melbourne (I think that Melbournians shut their eyes really tightly and try to imagine that it’s Sydney Harbour). They then had an ancient AFL player walk on water (literally) before almost stroking-out climbing a really steep set of stairs to deliver the baton to the next runner.

The impression I got is that they were trying to pull-off a great opening ceremony, but I think it made sense only to Melbournians, as most of the rest of the people in Australia (let alone anyone watching overseas) had no idea who most of the people were who were the headliners, let alone ANY idea of what it meant! All in all, it just left me with the impression that they were trying hard to outplay Sydney’s opening ceremony, but failed miserably.

Then there’s the concept of the Queen’s baton relay. Again, a wanna-be attempt at the Olympic torch relay, but the baton contains, wait for it, a message from the Queen! It took a year and a day to travel through all the commonwealth countries, but the message wasn’t revealed until the opening ceremony, BY THE QUEEN. What the hell is the point of that?

Don’t get me wrong, kudos to all the athletes on their hard work, but seriously, without the yanks, China and the Russians, the only real competition will be between Australia and Canada. I think a great big deal has been made over not such an important competition (and tons of money spent).

There is no doubt a rivalry between Sydney and Melbourne (and I think it is mainly instigated by Melbourne, because us Sydneysiders KNOW there is no comparison!), but last night’s ceremony is proof positive that the best thing Melbourne could come up with as an icon for their city is a flying tram. Doesn’t really measure up to the Opera House, Sydney Harbour Bridge and our lovely beaches does it?

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